A couple of days ago I got email from a good friend who is dealing with a breakdown of sorts and about to start therapy to cope. He wrote to advise of his wish to step away from a volunteer organization we both belong to. This revelation came as a surprise. This is a man who always appeared in good health both physically and mentally throughout our years of friendship.
We all have emotional highs and lows and since starting treatment in early 2020 I find myself subject to frequent low moments. I think it is related to the drugs as I’ve not been prone to mood and anxiety disorders throughout my life. But even these low moments pass quickly and do not have an impact like an emotional breakdown. I count myself fortunate but perhaps that will change in the future. Some of my friends living with mental health disorders were blindsided with the onset so who knows what the future holds?
I don’t need to understand why my friends are struggling with mental health disorders. What I think is more important is how I can be a support pillar to ensure they get the professional help they need to get their lives back on the rails. IMPORTANT - Therapy is domain of professionals; it is not my place to play any role beyond that of a support pillar.
Here is what seems to be reasonable advice on how I (or you) can go about helping a friend who is struggling with a mental health disorder. The key is to openly talk with your friend.
As worrisome as it may be to know what to do to help, once you are aware of a problem, do not wait to take action as that will delay the start of professional therapy. The longer the disorder is allowed to fester, the longer it takes to for therapy to be effective.
As a support pillar, when you know a friend is going through a rough time, talking to them is your best first step. Here are some reasonable suggestions I found researching online. The following are from “How to support someone with a mental health problem.”
- Set aside unobstructed time to have a conversation. It is important to provide an open and non-judgmental space with no distractions.
- Let them share as much or as little as they want to. Let them lead the discussion at their own pace. Don’t put pressure on them to tell you anything they aren’t ready to talk about. Talking can take a lot of trust and courage. You might be the first person they have been able to talk to about this.
- Don’t try to diagnose or second guess their feelings. You probably aren’t a medical expert and, while you may be happy to talk and offer support, you aren’t a trained counsellor. Try not to make assumptions about what is wrong or jump in too quickly with your own diagnosis or solutions.
- Keep questions open ended. Say “Why don’t you tell me how you are feeling?” rather than “I can see you are feeling very low”. Try to keep your language neutral. Give the person time to answer and try not to grill them with too many questions.
- Talk about wellbeing. Talk about ways of de-stressing or practicing self-care and ask if they find anything helpful. Exercising, having a healthy diet and getting a good nights sleep can help protect mental health and sustain wellbeing.
- Listen carefully to what they tell you. Repeat what they have said back to them to ensure you have understood it. You don’t have to agree with what they are saying, but by showing you understand how they feel, you are letting them know you respect their feelings.
- Offer them help in seeking professional support and provide information on ways to do this. You might want to offer to go the GP with them, or help them talk to a friend or family member. Try not to take control and allow them to make decisions.
- Know your limits. Ask for help or signpost if the problem is serious. If you believe they are in immediate danger or they have injuries that need medical attention, you need to take action to make sure they are safe. More details on dealing in a crisis can be found below.
You might discover your friend does not wish to have a conversation with you at this time. Do not be offended as conversations of this nature are difficult. The best you can do is offer to be in their corner and ensure they know you care and welcome a conversation when they are ready.
As always, thank you for being a support pillar in my corner. It is a source of great comfort for me.
Peace, Love, and Laughter
Phil